Unspecified Hydatidiform Mole

I'm currently over a week recuperating from a dilation and curettage (D&C) surgery. It was actually my first time to go under any sort of surgery and I now feel a bit better, physically at least.

It was just a week ago when I was allegedly diagnosed of a molar pregnancy. It was a shocking experience but my husband and I are trying our best to accept and embrace this fate of life. Maybe it wasn't really meant to be this time.

The surgery was scheduled on the 12th of September. Although I was assured that I neither would feel anything nor even see what's gonna happen, oh boy, it feels so daunting! I wouldn't say I'm a scared rat, in fact, my tolerance for pain is so high but the fact that I would be under general anesthesia - it scares the hell out of me. I feel powerless and not in control! But heck, I don't have any other choice anyway! I don't want to end up regretting of not feeling safe and healthy later on and besides, I'm in the facility with the best doctors in the world.

I've used up my little time to research about the surgery procedure, its risks, and its aftermath. Doing this will make me a bit comfortable and ready. So the surgery day came and I was taken care of really well. It was actually a short procedure (less than an hour) and I was able to head home (with my husband's help of course!) after being in the hospital for more or less 5 hours. Waiting period is the worst part actually. This is the time where all negative scenarios seeps into someone's head. I was lucky enough to have my husband around the whole time. He's the best husband ever! But I have this feeling that he's more nervous than I am although he's not showing it.

I was scheduled to be at the hospital at 9AM and I remember perfectly that I wasn't injected any anesthesia until almost 11AM. The only thing I remembered before passing out are those numerous surgical lighting system above me and those two nurses asking me ridiculous questions about my time in Abu Dhabi.

When I woke up, I saw this nurse beside me, checking some of those apparatus around. I feel so cold and my throat is so sore. I asked where I was and the nurse told me that I'm now in the recovery room. She knew I was cold and asked whether I wanted to have additional blanket on top of the two that are already in place. I said yes and she wrapped me with a thick warm one. After few more minutes, the nurse asked random questions like when is my birthday and then moved me back to the main room where I was initially. I saw my husband and his face looked relieved. The nurse asked me if I wanted a drink. She even offered me a Sprite. I never liked Sprite but I asked for it. Then she told me that I can be out of my gown and could change clothes whenever I feel I can and that she'll be back to bring me my Sprite. Eventually, I changed clothes (with my husband's help of course) and I've never felt so weak and confused at the same time at that moment. I feel groggy but I know what I'm doing. When the nurse came back, she has a wheelchair with her. At first, I'm skeptical to ride it. I told her I can walk but she didn't allow me. I guess it's standard procedure so I just complied with some sort of hesitation.

Then we're home and that's the start of the most unproductive week of my life. I had felt an intense cramping pain that night but other than that, I was lucky to feel minor tolerable cramps after. My OB prescribed me the best meds to relieve such pain! I was in a complete bed rest for at least a week and have been eating hearty soups and crackers (and peanut butter milkshakes) all the time. These days suck but I needed them to fully recover.

The day before yesterday was my follow-up checkup with my OB and we were told about the lab results. We were basically told ahead of time that along with the surgery, she will be conducting some tests to really find out whether it really is a molar pregnancy or a real miscarriage. She confirmed hydatidiform mole and thank goodness that those cluster of tissues found in my uterus are benign. She informed us that the case is very rare with unspecified reasons but this doesn't mean that I won't be able to conceive again or that something is wrong with both my husband and I. She affirmed that I'm perfectly healthy, and I would definitely bear another baby, it's just that during this time, the fertilized egg isn't viable to become a fetus and so a molar pregnancy. Unfortunately, I would need to go through series of blood tests until my hcg level goes back to zero. This means, more blood will be taken from me and of course, we have to wait for like 3-6 months before we could actually plan again to have a baby.

Now, here I am, waiting and anticipating for better days to come. I'm just blessed (and really thankful) to be surrounded with such an amazing husband and a caring family. If you're asking though, emotionally, I'm getting there.

Unplanted Seed

I have been in the US settling in for over two months now. I moved here and left my beloved career in the UAE to build a new exciting life with my family. I couldn't say it has always been my dream to grow old and have a family of my own. Call me crazy or even a hypocrite but in all honesty, I really did not. But here I am, as lucky as I can be, provided with one -- a loving happy family.

My husband and I were blessed enough to plant a seed made of love in just a short period of time. I remember how ecstatic I was when I saw positive signs from the two home pregnancy test I purchased. Immediately that morning when my husband woke up, I informed him about this good news. His face (which is quite groggy because of sleep intoxication) beamed and you can spot traces of happiness all around.

Then the usual routine came all along: finding a good OB/GYN around, minimizing coffee intake, being careful with all house activities, reading, meditating, and so on.

We then scheduled for the first visit with the OB/GYN to have an accurate feedback and a verification of our pregnancy. After some random urine and blood tests, it was finally confirmed and we were told we're pregnant at 6 weeks. Yey! With all these news, I was sent out pamphlets about hospital rules and some pregnancy information. I started to take pre-natal meds prescribed by my doctor and was scheduled for initial ultrasound after two weeks. In short, I lived the normal pregnant life. It wasn't my first time to be in this kind of situation as I already have a 9-year old daughter. But this time seems to feel a bit strange as I've been intermittently experiencing some light spotting though I don't feel any kind of pain. As researchers by heart, my husband and I kept on reading some articles or medical reviews and forums that relates to what I'm experiencing. Most write-ups are kind of reassuring as most pregnant women experience some light spotting in their first trimester. Basically, neither of those we have read are good nor bad. And so, anxiously, we just waited for the scheduled ultrasound and wiped off those negative thoughts from our heads.

Two weeks passed by, it's ultrasound time -- and this is where my world just start to shatter. I went through trans-vaginal ultrasound and by looking at the monitor, I started to feel uneasy. When I opened a conversation asking where's the baby, the nurse conducting the ultrasound seemed to be tight-lipped while the other supporting nurse has a blank face. Once it's done, the nurse informed me that my doctor will be with me shortly and apologized that he was ordered not to say anything.

I can feel that something is just plainly wrong but we still held our hopes so high. Then we were called by our OB and that's when she explained that she's so worried about me and that she cannot seem to find any fetus in my uterus -- which is kind of weird knowing I'm already in my 8th week. My hcg level is extremely high, higher than the normal range of hcg for an 8-week pregnant. Placenta is in place but there isn't just any seed of life in there. She suspected of a molar pregnancy as she found some grape-like thingy in my uterus. Molar pregnancy in layman's term is an undeveloped fetus. Instead of a normal fertilization, what's developing in the woman's uterus is some cluster of abnormal tissue that are grape-like. It is said to be rare, only 1 out of 1,000 women experience this.

With this shocking result, I became unstoppable and started to ask gazillion of questions but then I ended up sobbing. I just couldn't believe this is happening! With all the physical and emotional changes that I've been through. After accepting the fact that this is the right time to add sunshine to our lives. We were denied of it. And oh, what's worst is that according to the unusual lab results, I am still pregnant and so my OB, without any hesitation, discussed and advised that I should go for a D&C (dilation and curettage) surgery. It is a procedure to remove some tissue in your uterus, avoiding any possible infection or cancer threats, and of course, to really figure out why such thing happened to me. Since I'm still continuously spotting, there isn't really any choice for me but to say yes for this surgery.

I guess life is just like that. We can never choose what should happen to our lives. As we wait for my OB to finalize the schedule of my surgery, here we are mourning and trying to accept this pain-in-the-soul situation.