Unplanted Seed

I have been in the US settling in for over two months now. I moved here and left my beloved career in the UAE to build a new exciting life with my family. I couldn't say it has always been my dream to grow old and have a family of my own. Call me crazy or even a hypocrite but in all honesty, I really did not. But here I am, as lucky as I can be, provided with one -- a loving happy family.

My husband and I were blessed enough to plant a seed made of love in just a short period of time. I remember how ecstatic I was when I saw positive signs from the two home pregnancy test I purchased. Immediately that morning when my husband woke up, I informed him about this good news. His face (which is quite groggy because of sleep intoxication) beamed and you can spot traces of happiness all around.

Then the usual routine came all along: finding a good OB/GYN around, minimizing coffee intake, being careful with all house activities, reading, meditating, and so on.

We then scheduled for the first visit with the OB/GYN to have an accurate feedback and a verification of our pregnancy. After some random urine and blood tests, it was finally confirmed and we were told we're pregnant at 6 weeks. Yey! With all these news, I was sent out pamphlets about hospital rules and some pregnancy information. I started to take pre-natal meds prescribed by my doctor and was scheduled for initial ultrasound after two weeks. In short, I lived the normal pregnant life. It wasn't my first time to be in this kind of situation as I already have a 9-year old daughter. But this time seems to feel a bit strange as I've been intermittently experiencing some light spotting though I don't feel any kind of pain. As researchers by heart, my husband and I kept on reading some articles or medical reviews and forums that relates to what I'm experiencing. Most write-ups are kind of reassuring as most pregnant women experience some light spotting in their first trimester. Basically, neither of those we have read are good nor bad. And so, anxiously, we just waited for the scheduled ultrasound and wiped off those negative thoughts from our heads.

Two weeks passed by, it's ultrasound time -- and this is where my world just start to shatter. I went through trans-vaginal ultrasound and by looking at the monitor, I started to feel uneasy. When I opened a conversation asking where's the baby, the nurse conducting the ultrasound seemed to be tight-lipped while the other supporting nurse has a blank face. Once it's done, the nurse informed me that my doctor will be with me shortly and apologized that he was ordered not to say anything.

I can feel that something is just plainly wrong but we still held our hopes so high. Then we were called by our OB and that's when she explained that she's so worried about me and that she cannot seem to find any fetus in my uterus -- which is kind of weird knowing I'm already in my 8th week. My hcg level is extremely high, higher than the normal range of hcg for an 8-week pregnant. Placenta is in place but there isn't just any seed of life in there. She suspected of a molar pregnancy as she found some grape-like thingy in my uterus. Molar pregnancy in layman's term is an undeveloped fetus. Instead of a normal fertilization, what's developing in the woman's uterus is some cluster of abnormal tissue that are grape-like. It is said to be rare, only 1 out of 1,000 women experience this.

With this shocking result, I became unstoppable and started to ask gazillion of questions but then I ended up sobbing. I just couldn't believe this is happening! With all the physical and emotional changes that I've been through. After accepting the fact that this is the right time to add sunshine to our lives. We were denied of it. And oh, what's worst is that according to the unusual lab results, I am still pregnant and so my OB, without any hesitation, discussed and advised that I should go for a D&C (dilation and curettage) surgery. It is a procedure to remove some tissue in your uterus, avoiding any possible infection or cancer threats, and of course, to really figure out why such thing happened to me. Since I'm still continuously spotting, there isn't really any choice for me but to say yes for this surgery.

I guess life is just like that. We can never choose what should happen to our lives. As we wait for my OB to finalize the schedule of my surgery, here we are mourning and trying to accept this pain-in-the-soul situation.